Archive | March, 2013

Ew, food.

7 Mar

It’s the kind of thing that should be kind of funny, or at least ironic. Here I am, the fat chick who can’t/won’t eat. It’s been ongoing for a while, that I just haven’t been hungry, but over the last few weeks, it’s switched. I’m hungry all right. Also, constantly at a low-level of nausea that makes everything look unappetizing.

For a while, poptarts were the only thing that sounded good. I’ve tested things out, and now, I can eat cheese, hummus, breads, poptarts and peanut butter. Occasionally, I can deal with meat or chicken, if I’m willing to feel sick as hell afterwards.

So yeah. Dropping weight, but I’d rather not. I don’t believe in diets, or weight loss, I believe in health at any size and finding a way to move that doesn’t hurt you. Unfortunately, I haven’t found that yet, but I’ll get there.

I miss food. I miss chicken and lunchmeat. Lunchmeat is really bad right now. I looked at the turkey breast sandwich this morning and almost hurled. Which is really sad, since I used to love Wawa’s turkey subs with pickles and mayo. Now, I’m not sure what I could eat there. Probably not much. I need to get some decent grilling cheese and portabellas. Even cold, that would be tasty. The work lunch room is on a different floor, and we can’t eat smelly shit downstairs, which would mean taking 10 minutes of my 30 minutes to go up and get back in a one elevator building. Not happening. That’s what peanut butter is for.

Enough rambling for now. I must begin work now. *sigh*


Standing at the Corner of Bullemia and Pain.

5 Mar

I’ve been trying to write this for weeks on end. Maybe months. And I still don’t know how to start.

Maybe I should be like one of the fucking Lyric commercials. “I have fibromyalgia,” the attractive, generally older, actors say, promptly going off to do something incredibly high energy. Even with Lyrica, I question their stamina and perky. Usually, my partner, Jess, (who is on Lyrica) and I (who tried Lyrica) throw things at the tv, because what the commercials never show is us.

“My fibromyalgia made it so hard to do things!” Usually exclaimed while sadly rubbing a shoulder, or a wrist. “But now, I can spend time with my grandchildren!” Then they’re shown basejumping, or riding a bike, or standing out in the sun and playing ball.

Lyrica helped Jess, but it helped in the difference from staying in bed and being able to work part time to working full time, but coming home and crashing after work, and keeping activities limited on the weekend.

For me, Lyrica did jackall for my pain, but compensated for that by screwing my brain chemistry even more. Fibro fog? Aphasia? Yes, thank you! I’ll take some!

I have fibromyalgia, cervicalgia, cervical spine displacement, and migraines. I currently have food aversion that has seen me drop nearly 1/4 of my body weight. The doctors don’t actually care about that one, because I’m fat, still. I have pain, weakness, fatigue, with the certainty that one day, I’ll need surgery to fuse my spine. The question is when. Thanks to Lyrica, and it’s cousin, Neurotin, I do have the certainty that when I try to speak words, they’ll slip away like fog in sunlight.

Writing is easier, and hopefully, will help someone to know that they’re not alone. Even if that someone is me.